A Letter To My Dear Husband

This is not a letter to thank you for the vast amount of things you do for me and our daughter day after day.

It is not a letter to show my appreciation for your kindness, generosity, and loving heart. This note will not express my gratitude for you supporting this family and always thinking of us first.

This letter is a thank you for all the little things I have never showed appreciation for; mostly because I always assumed you knew how much they mean to me.

Thank you, for kissing my head every morning before you leave for work; even when you think I am asleep.

Thank you, for letting me devour the last bit of the delicious cake we are sharing; everyone knows that’s the best part.

Thank you, for completely ignoring when I am being a stubborn mule, and letting me see it for myself just so I can later say it never happened that way.

Thank you for sleeping in a freezing room, just because I hate the heat.

Thank you for getting mad at me when I am being reckless and destructive to myself.

Thank you for looking at our daughter with so much love in your eyes that it brings tears to mine.

Thank you for forgiving me for all my faults and trusting that I can and will be better.

Lastly, thank you for the inspiration I have found in your simile every single day for the last 10 years. No amount of thank you’s will ever be enough to show my gratitude for everything that you are to me.

I Am Selfish

After posting this blog I received an overwhelming amount of feedback from mothers all over the country. Some empathized with me and gave me great advice.

However, let me first address the angry messages I received from mothers that seemed to think me ungrateful and selfish.

I am selfish, but I am not ungrateful. I wake up every day and I thank god for my wonderful husband and beautiful little girl. It is not them I’m not happy with; it is me that needs work.

Selfish is thrown on women anytime they start to think about themselves. When did getting married and having a child become an automatic forfeit of a woman’s hopes and dreams? Not her hopes for her family, but her own, deep, dreams.

Yet, I am not angry. I still thank you all for taking the time to read my thoughts and giving your feedback.

Steps

I began to think of ways to give birth to the new me. Not the person I was before, that person is gone and I have to except that. I need to create a new identity; an identity that includes some parts of the old me, but also includes my husband and my little girl. So where to begin?

Step One:
I need to lose the 50lbs I gained during pregnancy. Not just for the confidence I desperately need, but also for the energy I need to accomplish all off the goals I have set for myself.

Step Two:
Find a way to earn an income from home. This has little to do with needing extra income and everything to do with feeling a sense of independence.

Step Three:
Establish a new, positive, group of friends. Although I love and cherish the friends I have, I need to find people I can truly relate to. I need to be around individuals who feel what I feel every day.

Step Three:
Discover a deeper sense of self. I have no idea what that means. But I know I have to try to get close to who I truly am.

The Beginning

I am lost…

For years I thought I knew who I was, or at least where my life was headed. Besides working and going to school I was a friend, a lover, and a socialite.
After having my baby girl, even though my life was now filled with another little person, I felt a sense of emptiness. I finished college, quit my job and decided to stay home with my baby. Quickly I realized that being home everyday completely severed me from the world. I became sad and lonely. Had all this time in my hands, but was not able to use it on me. My entire circle of friends did not have kids, so the relationships we once thought to be of so much importance, slowly and painfully vanished. I forgot the sound of my cell phone’s ringtone.

In some ways my mind is disconnected from itself and my body; it doesn’t recognize the person looking in the mirror. I refused to accept the reality that I was now a different person.

Parallel to this, my soul is fighting this war of feelings. I am overjoyed by all the blessings in my life. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful little girl. Yet, there is an overwhelming anger in my soul. I feel as though my self-worth has been taken from me (or lost) among those sleepless nights, among those diaper changes, among those daily breast feedings, among those endless questions. My husband keeps telling me I’m worth more than gold; I don’t feel it. I want to feel self-worth again; I need to regain my sense of independence.