The Beginning

I am lost…

For years I thought I knew who I was, or at least where my life was headed. Besides working and going to school I was a friend, a lover, and a socialite.
After having my baby girl, even though my life was now filled with another little person, I felt a sense of emptiness. I finished college, quit my job and decided to stay home with my baby. Quickly I realized that being home everyday completely severed me from the world. I became sad and lonely. Had all this time in my hands, but was not able to use it on me. My entire circle of friends did not have kids, so the relationships we once thought to be of so much importance, slowly and painfully vanished. I forgot the sound of my cell phone’s ringtone.

In some ways my mind is disconnected from itself and my body; it doesn’t recognize the person looking in the mirror. I refused to accept the reality that I was now a different person.

Parallel to this, my soul is fighting this war of feelings. I am overjoyed by all the blessings in my life. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful little girl. Yet, there is an overwhelming anger in my soul. I feel as though my self-worth has been taken from me (or lost) among those sleepless nights, among those diaper changes, among those daily breast feedings, among those endless questions. My husband keeps telling me I’m worth more than gold; I don’t feel it. I want to feel self-worth again; I need to regain my sense of independence.