I am lost…
For years I thought I knew who I was, or at least where my life was headed. Besides working and going to school I was a friend, a lover, and a socialite.
After having my baby girl, even though my life was now filled with another little person, I felt a sense of emptiness. I finished college, quit my job and decided to stay home with my baby. Quickly I realized that being home everyday completely severed me from the world. I became sad and lonely. Had all this time in my hands, but was not able to use it on me. My entire circle of friends did not have kids, so the relationships we once thought to be of so much importance, slowly and painfully vanished. I forgot the sound of my cell phone’s ringtone.
In some ways my mind is disconnected from itself and my body; it doesn’t recognize the person looking in the mirror. I refused to accept the reality that I was now a different person.
Parallel to this, my soul is fighting this war of feelings. I am overjoyed by all the blessings in my life. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful little girl. Yet, there is an overwhelming anger in my soul. I feel as though my self-worth has been taken from me (or lost) among those sleepless nights, among those diaper changes, among those daily breast feedings, among those endless questions. My husband keeps telling me I’m worth more than gold; I don’t feel it. I want to feel self-worth again; I need to regain my sense of independence.
Posts
10 years ago
Wonderful writing! You put into words what I and Im sure most SAHM feel. I too worked full time before the birth of my secound child and that feeling of "me" lost is oh too familiar!
ReplyDeleteI lost "me" when I left my FT job and decided to stay home with the baby. Its a little over 2 years now and I still feel like this. I think some people just need to work and others are completely happy staying home with the kids. I plan on going back to work and have decided in the meantime to go to school. In the meantime, you just have to find a way to get some me time and do what you need to at the time. Even if it's just entering sweeps. lol
ReplyDeleteI was only a SAHM for a short while with my first child and I was lonely and felt unappreciated. After my second child was born and my husband and I separated I went back to school.
ReplyDeleteYou have to have more me time (saying it is easy, doing it is hard). I wish you the best.
Kim
I found your blog from the OLS message board. I'm also a stay at home mom. My experiences have been a little different but I did go through 2 separate bouts of post partem depression and understand how isolating and hopeless some days can feel.
ReplyDeleteTTYL
Jaclyn
Found your blog on OLS also. I constantly felt this way while staying home for the last 7 years. It seems like the world is going on without you. Now that both my kiddos are in school I work 3 hours a day at the school (I'm off when they're off) and even just that seems to help!
ReplyDeleteYou need "you" time to keep your sanity. Is there a P.A.T (parents of toddlers)class in your area or a mommy's day out at a local church or daycare? Those can be lifesavers! (Even if you just go home and listen to the quiet or take a nap!)
OLSer here too. I felt lost too. My kids are 20 months apart. When they were little I just wanted to talk to a grownup sometimes. I had worked and had pride in it. Here I was doing the most important job in the world and I felt worthless.
ReplyDeleteIt gets better! And some people weren't meant to be SAHM's. Once the kids were in preschool, I was out of there. I feel more worthwhile and myself as a working mom and the kids have managed to make it to their teens without me being home 24/7.
I have had my children grown up and gone for a long time now, but when they were young I had many friends that also had small children. We always found plenty of things to do and to talk about. I understand that your single friends do not have anything incommon with you now. May I suggest that you try to make some new friends that also have young children. This could really help alot.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to hear more about what suggestions you implemented, and whether or not they worked.
ReplyDelete